Category Archives: Personal stories

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No, I don’t forgive you

I do not forgive you for leaving me with a violent sociopath to raise me.
I do not forgive you for leaving at all.
I do not forgive you for always putting someone or something else before me.
Yourself.
Your needs.
Your wants.
I do not forgive you for taking me away and then sending me back.
I do not forgive you for making me think it was my decision.
For years, I would say, “You sent me back.” Your reply was always, “You wanted to go.”
I was six. I also wanted a mother who loved me and a father who did not beat me.

I do not forgive you for missing my entire childhood.

I do not forgive you for not being there when I needed you.
I do not forgive you for not doing what you knew I needed and I knew I wanted — to live away from the chaos of life with violence and fear and shame.

I do not forgive you for cutting me out of your life.
I do not forgive you for getting married and not telling me.
Looking back, I think that was your way of letting me know, you had moved on.
From me.

I do not forgive you for leaving me that day in the Monterey Aquarium.
Your friend told me, she saw that you loved him and had committed yourself and your life to him.
I do not forgive you for not making that same commitment to me.

I do not forgive you for showing up once or twice a year expecting my life to conform to your wants and desires.

I do not forgive you for abdicating all of your maternal responsibilities.
I do not forgive you for not wanting me to press charges when John Gill tried to kill me the first time.
The second time.
The third time.

I do not forgive you for taking credit for my successes but not my failures.
Because you have no claim on either.
I am my worst mistakes as well as my greatest achievements.

I do not forgive you for taking his side over mine.
I was there for you when you needed me.
I do not forgive you for making me hide when he came to get you.
I do not forgive you for asking me to be there and then dismissing my support.

You wanted me there when you needed something.
And then gone when you did not.
I do not forgive you for that.

I do not forgive you for cutting me out of your home when he told you to.

I do not forgive you for never taking responsibility for your own actions.
I do not forgive you for seeing your actions only through the prism of your intentions.
I do not forgive you for acting like the victim when you have never been that.
I do not forgive you for saying, “John Gill wasn’t that bad.”
I do not forgive you for telling me when I told you I was raped, that “It happens to everyone.”
I do not forgive you for trying to discourage me almost every step of the way while then reveling when I did well.

The advance job was not a bad idea.
The trip to Nepal was not a bad idea.
My comedy is not bad for me.

I do not forgive you for being surprised that two years of good deeds do not make up for decades of neglect.
The hill of good will you have built is overshadowed by the Everest of bad.

I do not forgive you.
I may never forgive you.

You do not care, or maybe you do but cannot admit it, that you hurt me.
You think that happened so long ago that I should be over it.

I know that I put it all in a box.
I put that box in a closet.
In our house on Maple Avenue.
In Stony Brook, New York.

Thomas Friedman says, “if you do not visit the bad neighborhood, eventually, it visits you.”
I just heard a knock on the door.

It was a long time ago but it is here, with me always.
Until I invite it in and we talk, it always will be.

Your guilt should be real but it is yours.

It is neither my fault nor my problem.
I do not forgive you for thinking it is.

I deal with you now because I have divorced you from yourself.
I deal with you now because I do care.
You need to divorce your actions from your intentions.
You should have good intentions but are judged on the results of your actions.

You fell asleep with a cigarette burning.
You never intended the house to burn down.
But the house is gone.
And we are homeless.

You left me to deal with the mess of a marriage that was not mine.

I may never forgive you.
That is my problem.
Not yours.
I am working on it.

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Another Life Hack from Alyson: Ways to use lemon juice around the house

Sweet, sugary Brach's lemon drops. Made with r...

Sweet, sugary Brach’s lemon drops. Made with real lemon juice! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ok, I originally drafted this for a client but they didn’t use it so maybe some of these tips can help you. I personally think lemon juice is amazing.

Get rid of nasty, baked on grime in your microwave with water and lemon juice. Put a cup of water with a half a cup of lemon juice in a bowl. Microwave this on high for 30 seconds. Remove the bowl (be careful, it will be hot) and wipe down the inside of your microwave with a clean and damp cloth. Your microwave oven will sparkle and smell great.

Keep a lemon with salt in your refrigerator. Cut a lemon in half and remove the flesh. Fill the empty space with salt. Place in the back of your refrigerator to keep it smelling nice and fresh.

Mix lemon juice, water and white vinegar to make a great surface cleaner. Mix one part water with one part vinegar and then as much lemon juice as you want. This is a safe and chemical free cleaner that you can use to cut through dirt and grime all over your home. The combination of white vinegar and lemon juice can be a powerful cleaner for dishes. The grease won’t stand a chance with this mixture.

Polish wood with olive oil and lemon juice. Mix the juice from one lemon and about a quarter cup of olive oil. This can be used on your wooden floors and furniture to get the shine and clean look you want without using harsh chemicals.

Please let me know what you think.  Thanks!

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After spending most of my day with my head up my butt…

Well, not really but I was accused of that this morning after I posted a column I wrote about Hillary Clinton for Firebrand Left. My general thesis is that if you like Hillary Clinton, you don’t care what the transcripts of her speeches say and if you do not like her, nothing in those speeches will change your mind. I stand by this. But it led some people on Facebook to get really pissy.

If you would like to see the exchange, please check it out here. You can read my original column about the transcripts here. I wrote a follow up piece about how Hillary and Bernie supporters need to treat each other better here.

Now, you may know that Susan Sarandon endorsed Bernie Sanders. While I think that’s great for him, I have to take issue to part of her endorsement speech. She claimed that one reason she is supporting him because she doesn’t “vote with (her) vagina.” Well, that’s good for her, I guess.

Now, I cannot get that out of my head. For instance, I wanted to watch the Superbowl but my pushy vagina wanted to watch some feminist clap trap on PBS so that’s what I watched. I had to miss the puppy, baby, monkey commercial. Dang, my vagina is so annoying sometimes.

Anyway, please check out my links and let me know what you think.

 

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Life hack from Alyson: What to do with cat litter in your toilet

I still miss Hobbes and Cheddar.

I still miss Hobbes and Cheddar.

If you have a cat (or more than one cat), the chances are that you have litter at least one litter box (one good ‘rule of thumb‘ for these is to have 1.5 boxes for each of your feline friends). Most people I know use clumping litter. If you know how it works, it may make little sense to dump your litter down the toilet. The reason for this is simple; litter turns into concrete when it comes in contact with water.

This actually happened to me so this is a good way to deal with litter in the toilet.

I went away for a business trip and when I got home I learned that the person taking care of my cats, Hobbes and Cheddar, thought a time saving thing would be to pour their litter down the toilet. When I walked in, several days later, this had turned into concrete and my toilet was completely blocked. Or so it seemed. I called several plumbers and got estimates. The bottom line was that it looked like this was going to cost several thousand dollars. OUCH!!!’

Well, that sucked so I went online and looked for DIY solutions. I found one. It suggested using liquid Joy (lemon). I spent the next six hours pouring the dish soap into the toilet with warm (not hot) water, plunging, waiting about 30 minutes and then repeated it about every 30-60 minutes until the toilet was completely clear.

Steps:

  1. Buy lemon dish soap
  2. Add soap and warm water to toilet
  3. Let sit for a few minutes
  4. Plunge for a few minutes
  5. Add more lemon soap and water, let sit
  6. Repeat until drain is clear

I cannot promise this will work for you but it worked for me.

 

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No one who runs for office in the United States is “un-American”

 

This is the tattoo I have above my left butt cheek. It is the donkey from the DNC.

This is the tattoo I have above my left butt cheek. It is the donkey from the DNC.

I recently posted a comment on my Facebook wall about how I have friends who like Bernie

Sanders, Hillary Clinton, Marco Rubio Donald Trump, Ted Cruz… basically, I have friends who like all of the candidates. If you know anything about me, you should know that I do not have any kind of ideological requirement for my friends.

My point of the post — other than to say I am supporting Hillary Clinton — was to ask people to start treating each other better. I mean, I am going to vote for whichever Democrat gets the nomination but we should be at least civil to each other during the primary process. Continue reading →