Athiest group hires Petraeus to run their “war on Christmas”

General David H. Petraeus, Commanding General ...

General David H. Petraeus, Commanding General Multinational Force – Iraq (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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11/25/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden – While the details of the affair that led him to leave the CIA are not all yet known, David Petraeus’ next move was announced today; he will run American Atheists‘ annual “war on Christmas.” The group released this today:
“American Atheists is proud to announce General David Petraeus has joined our team and will run this year’s war on Christmas. For years, we have fought for the rights of non-God fearing Americans and now we think we have a shot of winning. The experience and knowledge he will bring to this campaign will help up finally rid the world of the abomination that is Christmas. We can only hope the planet thanks us when it is all over.” A spokesperson followed up by tweeting, “We got Petraeus. How you like us now?”

General Petraeus is widely considered to be one of the best military tacticians of his generation, but it is unclear how his talents will be used in what is, by all accounts, a public relations war, something he clearly knows little about. While Petraeus’ representatives refused to comment on the new job, sources close to him told PTP, “David is not one to sit home and knit or crochet or whatever. He likes to be where the action is,” said longtime friend, Jeff Jeffords, “and if you saw what they offered him, you’d understand. He gets all the sliced, fresh pineapple he can eat. And some of those atheists are pretty cute.”

Conservative groups were shocked by the news, not that Petraeus was running this war but that it actually exists. “Really? There is an actual ‘war on Christmas?’I thought that was just something we made up to make Democrats look bad,” said Gary Bauer, head of the Family Research Council. “Is this a new thing? I mean, did we give them the idea? This is going to make 2014 a lot more interesting. Gotta run, I need to call my ad company. We’ve got liberals to fight!”

Children of the world took the news less well. “Isn’t David Petraeus a decorated war hero? Why does he want to kill Santa? Does this mean I have been good all year for nothing?” asked Susie Jenkins. “I’ll bet that nasty Calvin is behind this, I am going to tell Mrs. Wormwood on him!”

Yes, Susie, you should definitely tell Mrs. Wormwood.