Athiest group hires Petraeus to run their “war on Christmas”

General David H. Petraeus, Commanding General ...

General David H. Petraeus, Commanding General Multinational Force – Iraq (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(published at

11/25/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden – While the details of the affair that led him to leave the CIA are not all yet known, David Petraeus’ next move was announced today; he will run American Atheists‘ annual “war on Christmas.” The group released this today:
“American Atheists is proud to announce General David Petraeus has joined our team and will run this year’s war on Christmas. For years, we have fought for the rights of non-God fearing Americans and now we think we have a shot of winning. The experience and knowledge he will bring to this campaign will help up finally rid the world of the abomination that is Christmas. We can only hope the planet thanks us when it is all over.” A spokesperson followed up by tweeting, “We got Petraeus. How you like us now?”

General Petraeus is widely considered to be one of the best military tacticians of his generation, but it is unclear how his talents will be used in what is, by all accounts, a public relations war, something he clearly knows little about. While Petraeus’ representatives refused to comment on the new job, sources close to him told PTP, “David is not one to sit home and knit or crochet or whatever. He likes to be where the action is,” said longtime friend, Jeff Jeffords, “and if you saw what they offered him, you’d understand. He gets all the sliced, fresh pineapple he can eat. And some of those atheists are pretty cute.”

Conservative groups were shocked by the news, not that Petraeus was running this war but that it actually exists. “Really? There is an actual ‘war on Christmas?’I thought that was just something we made up to make Democrats look bad,” said Gary Bauer, head of the Family Research Council. “Is this a new thing? I mean, did we give them the idea? This is going to make 2014 a lot more interesting. Gotta run, I need to call my ad company. We’ve got liberals to fight!”

Children of the world took the news less well. “Isn’t David Petraeus a decorated war hero? Why does he want to kill Santa? Does this mean I have been good all year for nothing?” asked Susie Jenkins. “I’ll bet that nasty Calvin is behind this, I am going to tell Mrs. Wormwood on him!”

Yes, Susie, you should definitely tell Mrs. Wormwood.

Coming soon to a theatre near you! Petraeus the movie!

English: Official photograph of General David ...

English: Official photograph of General David H. Petraeus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(This is from Pardon the Pundit)

11/24/2012 7:04 AM Alyson Durden – With the full details of the General Petraeus sex scandal still emerging, director Steven Spielberg has been selected and actors are being cast for a movie about what’s being called “the mother of all scandals.” Sources close to the production tell PTP that Affinity Lab has been contracted to cast and scout locations for the movie, and a team of writers has been enlisted to craft a screenplay. Filming is set to begin as soon as casting has been completed, which is expected to happen early next week. This will be the first time that a movie’s filming will coincide with actual events unfolding. The writers have been sworn to secrecy, but we have learned they are staying at a DC area hotel and will monitor news sites and Congress to keep up with developments for inclusion in the script.

“This is the most exciting project I have ever worked on,” said Harvey Weinstein. “We will be filming a story about events that are happening, practically in real time. The only thing moving faster than us on this is Twitter.”

Sources inside the casting process revealed the following actors are being considered for key roles:

David Petraeus: Harrison Ford or Liam Neeson
General John Allen: Tommy Lee Jones
Paula Broadwell: Katie Holmes
Jill Kelly & twin: Snooki
Frederick “shirtless FBI guy” Humphries: Congressman Paul Ryan
Eric Cantor: Himself

PTP’s nutshell summary of the scandal: General David Petraeus had an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell. Meanwhile, he might also have been sleeping with Jill Kelley, who was emailing General John Allen about her diplomatic security clearance, which he gave her personally after sleeping with her twin sister while the sister’s alien baby’s custody was being contested by FBI Director William Skinner. Meanwhile, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully got wind of the alien baby when some threatening emails from Kelley to Broadwell were released, but Kelley then took them to “shirtless FBI guy…” but that was before he was shirtless. He then brought the conspiracy to Eric Cantor who told him, “you are too crazy for me, dude,” leaving him to send shirtless photos of himself to the casting director of Glee. Oh wait… most of this never happened.