Is this the universe's way to tell me to STFU?
Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE to talk. I talk all the time. I talk to my cats. I talk to inanimate objects such as the TV (news & sports mostly), the newspaper (same topics), my computer, my iPad. I have even been known to talk to myself if I have to (it’s worse when I am writing but that is often because I read my stuff out loud when checking for typos). So not being able to talk feels like a fate worse than death. Well, not quite that. But I HATE it!
I was whining about my quandary on Twitter last night — I have just recently begun to feel comfortable on stage when this happens, not fair! — and someone suggested I use my iPad. There’s an app — Speak It! — that converts text to speech. You can save phrases and play them back or convert them to sound files and email them. To make it more fun, I chose a British woman’s voice.
These are the first phrases I saved, you know the ones I use the most often:
1. How the fuck would I know?
2. What are you, on crack?
3. Let’s go, Mets! (seriously, I am an idiot)
4. Fuck you, Fred Wilpon.
5. What-EVER!
6. Motherfucker!
7. That is soooo random!
8. Hello
9. Thank you. (See I can be polite — we all need to say this and the next entry more often.)
10. Please.
11. Did you watch the debate?
12. Herman Cain is awesome.
13. Michele Bachmann should run for president every four years.
14. Have a nice day.
15. Do you have any Fresca?
But then I got to thinking about some other things I like to say (remember: imagine these coming from a British woman):
1. Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy. Grab my glasses, I am out the door, gonna hit this city. Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack. ‘Cause when I leave for the night I ain’t comin’ back.
2. You just come around here to eat our food and fuck our mother. You motherfucker, you food eater. (Best movie line EVER. Delivered by Keanu Reeves in his first movie, River’s Edge.)
The last one I did was: I have completely lost my voice so I am using this to communicate. In my new, and hopefully temporary, reality, I have decided to be British.
Part of me thinks this is the universe’s way of preventing me from screeching along to Glee or belching out random Katy Perry songs at all hours of the day and night. I am sure my neighbors love this development and hope it lasts a good long time.
I know I am being incredibly self-centered and whiny. I just had a great trip to NYC and want to tell people about it so I keep going to pick up the phone but it’s just not an option today. Dang! I want my voice back and I want it now!