Ryan claims “Twilight” success means he has a mandate after all, admits he is a vampire

Official portrait of Congressman .

Official portrait of Congressman . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This was published today on Pardon the Pundit.  If you like the Onion, you will love this site.  And yes, I am Alyson Durden.

11/28/2012 7:05 AM Alyson Durden – Congressman and former Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has declared he has a mandate, not from the voters per se, but from moviegoers that made “Twilight” the top-grossing movie over the holiday weekend.

“The people of America have spoken. They may not have had their voice heard on election day when their desire to see Mitt (Romney) and I take back the White House and return the nation to Republican control was thwarted by Obama’s minions, who were lured to the Democratic side by free contraceptives and other gifts, but their will was made clear this past weekend when the story of my people, vampires, triumphed at the box office,” Ryan told reporters. “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may not be actual vampires, but their portrayal of them in all these films has been beyond moving. I could not be prouder of the vampire history than while watching these movies. People say I was selected to be the veep candidate because of my work on the budget, or because I could harness the forces of darkness for our side, but that’s not it. First of all, if you read my budget plans, they are terrible. Secondly, Karl Rove clearly has the corner on harnessing the forces of darkness, and he failed at that this time. No, it was a Mormon who wrote the definitive vampire love story. That’s what convinced Mitt I was the right man for the job. For too long I have kept my true identity hidden. With this success, I feel it is time to let the world know that when the nation elects me president in 2016, vampires all over the world will know they have a friend in the United States.”

Republicans all over the country were quick to denounce the comments and distance themselves from Ryan’s remarks. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie and Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal appeared at a joint press conference that was intended to be about the two states’ approaches to dealing with natural disasters, but were immediately asked about the vampire remarks. “Are you kidding me? I was a surrogate for the Romney/Ryan ticket and no one told me Paul is a vampire. Hey, Mitt and Paul, now is not the time for dumb remarks about how Obama stole the election by giving people food stamps or how much you like to drink people’s blood. Now is the time for a whole lot of ‘shut the hell up,'” said Christie. “My state is home to a lot of diversity in terms of religion and ideas about religion. Voodoo is pretty big with a number of our residents. That doesn’t mean I use it to win elections… well, there was that one time… but never since then. We are not the party of vampires. We are the party of level-headed solutions to our nation’s problems,” Jindal added.

Democrats were in no hurry to add anything or to comment. “Look, for the past four years we have been battling rumors that our president is a secret Muslim. If they want to talk about the joys of sucking people’s blood, well, we’re not about to stop them,” David Axelrod was overheard telling friends.

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