Category Archives: The stories I tell

Random stories I like to tell.

Health update; the good, the bad and the ugly

How to Be a Serial Killer

How to Be a Serial Killer (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I promised to post updates on my health situation so here is the next one.Before I get to that, a note to my friends and family:  Some of what you read here may seem scary and it is but there is no reason to worry because I am really fine.

The good:  I haven’t had any more grand mal seizures since the last one I wrote about here.  The bad:  I have had a number of much smaller seizures — they are super short and I remain conscious.  The ugly:  why does the media insist on continuing to give Donald Trump a platform?  No, he has nothing to do with my medical issues but he really annoys me.

My real problem, however, is from the time the seizures hit until later in the day it becomes really hard for me to speak.  Now, I can still understand everything and know what I want to say, I just can’t say it.  It wears off eventually but if you see me and I am super quiet, you know why.

The universe really wants me to be quiet.    Since last year, I have lost my voice to laryngitis more times than I can count.  And mean lost it completely.  When that gets bad, I sound like a sick dolphin.  I have even written comedy about it — one night when this was happening, my mother called and said, “I just hope you don’t have to call 911.”  Oh, thanks, she knows one of my biggest fears in the world is being killed (and probably tortured) by a serial killer.  That night I had friends text me every few hours to make sure I was still alive. (Side note: I knew someone in high school who was killed by a serial killer.  I hate to admit this but when her brother told me my second thought after I am so sorry for your loss, can I do anything, call me anytime was if I know someone killed by a serial killer, the odds are greatly reduced that I will be.)

For some reason these posts about what I am dealing with now are much harder to write than when they are about past events.  That brings me to why I do it; the support I have received here has been really helpful.  It also means I don’t have to explain everything to everyone who asks.  I am truly ok but my reality is a little different and it is taking some getting used to.

And now I have a favor to ask of you.  As much as I appreciate the support everyone has given, the concern I hear in people’s voices when they call is a little overwhelming.  I have great doctors and everything is being done to get the situation under control. This may seem odd as I have told you all everything here but I cannot talk about my health all the time.

Thanks for reading, being there and helping me deal with this.  Once again, I promise, I am really, really, really ok.

You are beautiful, Susie Salmon

Cover of "The Lovely Bones"

Cover of The Lovely Bones

Yeah, I still have insomnia and sometimes when I can’t sleep I watch the movieThe Lovely Bones.”  I am watching it right now.

It’s funny.  I loved the movie but hated the book and the reason for both feelings are almost identical.  I will explain.

I hated Alice Sebold‘s book because I related so much to the father.  I know, I know, my father is a dick who beat me mercilessly but I still loved him desperately.  The father in the book works tirelessly to get the murderer of his child.  He never succeeds but he never stops trying.  That upset me terribly.

I loved Peter Jackson’s movie for similar reasons. Take a look at Saoirse Una Ronan in this film.  Take a look at photos of me when I was that age.  We could be the same person.  And I find I relate to her (the character, not the person) in ways that make my heart hurt.

I dunno, maybe it’s a combination of an actress looking like me, some residual love I have for my abusive father and my intense fear of serial killers but this movie has it all.

So, you are still beautiful, Susie Salmon.

Because laughter is truly the best medicine…

Map of the New York City Subway Español: Plano...

 

I am getting back on stage!

 

This week, I will be all about NYC.  The biggest show will be at the Eastville Comedy Club in New York City on Wednesday, October 24 at 8:30 pm.  The tickets are free but reservations are required.  Email reservations@eastvillecomedy.com.  Please let me know if you can make it so I can get a sense of how many people I have coming.

 

If you are in Washington, DC, I will put my upcoming schedule up as soon as it is ready.

 

Hope to see you out somewhere!

 

 

 

My Arlen Specter story

Sen. Arlen Specter

Sen. Arlen Specter (Photo credit: Talk Radio News Service)

I wrote this some time ago and thought I had published it.  As the former Senator from Pennsylvania recently passed away and I never had published it, I am now.

Several lifetimes ago,  I worked for Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA).  One thing young staffers get to do is deal with constituents — in person, on the phone and through their always well thought out and researched correspondence.  I firmly believe if our founding fathers were to travel in time to now and judged us solely on the people who visit and call their Congressional representatives, we would have a vastly different form of government.

One evening, a very peculiar woman came in.   She was convinced that anyone born in California (or Hawaii) could vote in France.  She also thought I was 45 years old.  I am not even that old now — several lifetimes later — so you can appreciate how well that went over with me.  She wasn’t too scary but she liked mu boss and made that clear.  What she said on her way out was how much she hated Senator Specter and she was going to give him a piece of her mind (Is it snarky of me to note that this was more than she could afford to give?).

One idea that I cling to, even when I am not sure why, is that people who get involved in politics do so because they care about the country.  In that respect, Hill staffers have several things in common; a strong work ethic, long hours, low pay, a hatred of all things related to the Close Up foundation.  So, when this woman, made that comment, I called Senator Specter’s office immediately (he was a Republican then.)

Me: Hi this is Alyson from Senator Feinstein’s office.  A really freaky woman was just in here and she is headed your way.  Just wanted to let you know.

Specter staffer: You do know our senator is a Republican, right?

Me:  That doesn’t matter right now.  Crazy person, coming to your office any minute.

They took my advice seriously and locked their front door — it was around 6:00 pm so that made some sense.  The woman in question shook the glass doors so much that they called the Capitol police.

The next morning, I received 15 pounds of Hershey chocolate of several flavors.  The note read; Thanks for yesterday, we would not have done the same for you.  WTF?  You wouldn’t?  Really?  REALLY?  Guess not.

We need to treat each other better.