Breaking news! This JUST in! Extra! Extra!

This is a photo of me kissing the Blarney Stone.  Kissing the stone gave me the authority to let you know, no one knows anything about that missing plane.

This is a photo of me kissing the Blarney Stone. Kissing the stone gave me the authority to let you know, no one knows anything about that missing plane.  Crashed squirrel agrees.

Drop everything!  Pay no attention to the Crimea vote!  Ignore the foot of snow that is pummeling your city!  Experts now can reveal they know nothing about the missing Malaysian plane!  Moreover, we may never know!  As this is clearly the biggest story since the Lindenburg baby, all cable news stations will devote all their time to this story. Is anyone else sick of this?  I hate to be all callous and do sympathize with the people whose loved ones were aboard (and I share the curiosity) but how much money are we spending to learn the fate of 239 people?  How could these resources be used to help, I dunno, the people of Syria? Of course, my main concern of the day is the rain that is coming down on my current home town.  My first thought when I woke up was the excitement that comes only from knowing the universe has finally found a way to remove the piles of bird shit that covers my car.  My life is full of excitement. And if you are in the Gainesville, Florida area, I will be performing at 1982 on Tuesday night. Last thought:  Kudos to Guinness for dropping out of the St. Patrick’s Day parade in Manhattan.  The official parade committee refused to include the Stonewall Inn and Guinness released a statement: “We were hopeful that the policy of exclusion would be reversed for this year’s parade. As this has not come to pass, Guinness has withdrawn its participation.” Back to your regularly scheduled programming…

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